Sunday, October 2, 2011

My Momma and me

It's completely stupid and I am a ridiculous human being for doing this, but I didn't tell my Momma that I was pregnant until this past Friday.
My Mom and I have had a tumultuous relationship over the past, oh, 27 years. Maybe 24 years, since I don't think I started giving her a hard time until I was 3 years old. There's a story that I've heard so many times that I'm convinced that it's a memory:
My Mom and 3 year-old Z played a game of chicken... I had decided that I was moving out. I demanded a $2 bill (Canada in the 80's!) and a TTC ticket, put on my snowsuit and asked my Mom to let me out the backyard door, which faced onto a main road. I had to ask her because I did not know how to open that door. She let me walk to the bus stop, which was only a few houses down. I stood there at the bus stop, staring at her staring at me from the house. I was probably terrified that a bus would actually pull up. Five minutes passed, other people showed up at the stop and wondered about this little kid standing there alone. And then the McNicoll Ave bus showed up...... and my Mom caved and came running out of the house to get me. I sooooo won that one! HA!

So back to this Friday. I had been avoiding my Mom's emails asking me when In October or November I would go visit her. She's been living in Hong Kong taking care of my grandparents who are both quite ill right now. Originally there was talk of her coming in September, which is what spurred this whole "I'll wait to tell my Mom in person!" idea in the first place. I figured if she was coming in September anyway, why bother telling her big news like this over email? Then my Grandma got scheduled for surgery so my Mom started asking if I could go there.

I was hesistant to agree because while I know it's perfectly safe to fly while pregnant, I kinda hated the idea. Plane rides are pukey hell for me at the best of times and the thought of being jammed into a tiny seat for 14 hours, nauseous, ankle-swelley and sciatic-nervey back-achey sounded awful. So what did I do? I avoided the issue. I stopped responding to my Mom's emails. Then I stopped opening them at all because if I never read her worried messages then they probably weren't real.
My Mom and I only recently reconciled this summer after a few year long seperation that involved only the occasional Birthday e-card.... I reasoned to Lowell that I could be Mother-less again, right? Maybe she never even had to know! He let this go on for a few weeks until my Mom emailed him, concerned that I had died or did something stupid and was avoiding her. So we scheduled a Skype chat and after numerous shrieking and whining fits from me leading up to said Skype chat, I realized that I am NOT a teenager anymore and that being pregnant is perfectly acceptable and that I had to just tell my Mother.

So we told my Mother. She was pretty shocked as I've gone my entire life telling her that she'd never be a Grandma. I had assured her before she left Toronto in June that I still had no intention of ever having kids, ever. Just like I've always said my entire life. She asked me if I was sure and I said "Of course! No kids! Ever!". Then she made an offhand comment about why I was wearing a push-up bra in the middle of summer to which I was like "I hate push-up bras, what are you talking about... crazy woman!" What no one knew at the time, except apparently for my cat Eileen was that I was already knocked up. Ooops.

Anyway, now that I've told my Mom, I feel a lot better. Like a big weight has been lifted because I was stressed out about how she was going to take it. She was understandably shocked and then even she had a hard time hiding the fact that she was excited, even though she was trying to play it cool.
As much as I don't necessarily like being "mothered", lately the idea of getting all the help that we can get has been appealing and I've found myself wanting my Mommy. She's promised to come in February when the Kittenheart arrives and I'm actually excited for this! Tumultuous or not, I love my Momma and she loves me. After we got off the phone/Skype, it all of a sudden felt more real than it ever has! We are having a baby and everybody important knows now.

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